Escaping Narcissistic Relationships

Narcissism is certainly not a new condition. It is simply one that has become more widely understood over the years. It was first recognised as a mental disorder by the British essayist and physician, Havelock Ellis, as far back as 1898. The term narcissist, originates from the mythological figure Narcissus, who fell in love with his own reflection. He died in AD 54!

How to recognise the traits of a narcissist!

The characteristics of a narcissist are many and include having an inflated self-image and an addiction to fantasy, along with the belief that they cannot be wrong under any circumstances. The narcissist, can be kind one moment, but then alter dramatically the next into a cold, quite cruel and unfeeling character, displaying an unusual coolness and a strictly controlled composure, which can only be overcome when the narcissistic confidence is threatened. The narcissist has a tendency to take those close to them, for granted, or to go one further and exploit them.

A person suffering from NPD, (Narcissistic Personality Disorder,) is likely to display any number of the following traits: Do any of these sound familiar to you?

1. An over-inflated sense of self and a feeling of superiority toward others, somehow believing that they deserve special treatment.
2. Fantasising about unlimited success, brilliance, power, good looks, or even, love
3. An excessive need for admiration and must be the centre of attention
4. If ignored, they feel slighted, mistreated, depleted, and angry
5. Monopolizing conversations, believing what they say is paramount, but also more interesting and more important than anything anyone else has to say.
6. They base relationships on surface attributes as opposed to the unique qualities of others, and so their relationships are often superficial and exploitative.
7. They value people only to the extent they themselves will benefit in some way.
8. Tendency to display an inherent need for control and perfection, becoming upset when things don’t go their way
9. Unable to relate to empathy
10. Lacking in the ability to care about the emotional needs or experiences of others, even loved ones
11. Highly superficial sense of self, extremely rigid, often fragile, and easily threatened
12. Any sense of stability depends on maintaining the view that they are exceptional and ultimately, retreating from or denying, realities that challenge this view of self.
13. Difficulty with attachment and dependency
14. Reliant on feedback from the environment
15. Relationships exist only to shore up a positive self-image
16. Tendency to avoid intimacy; interpersonal interactions are superficial
17. Feelings of emptiness, boredom, depression, or restlessness, when attention and praise are not available
18. Difficulty maintaining reality-based personal and professional goals over time
19. Feelings of overwhelm, by compromises required by school, jobs, and relationships
20. May have “failure to launch” syndrome when young, (difficulty in transitioning from a child into a young adult)
21. Lack of responsibility
22. Blame others for their faults
23. Lack of boundaries
24. A firm belief that others think the same as they do
25. Shocked and insulted when told, ‘no.’
26. Fear of rejection
27. Afraid of being wrong or seen as bad or inadequate

If any of those things have rung warning bells for you, to begin to decide whether someone very close to you, may be a narcissist, consider along with all the points mentioned above, the following questions? If you can say ‘yes,’ to at least 5 of the 9 questions posed here, then you are almost certainly living with, being affected by, or being controlled by, the demands and expectations of a narcissist.

To help you to understand this better, below is a checklist commonly used by Doctors to diagnose NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder.)

• Does the person you are concerned about, display a grandiose sense of self-importance (i.e. they keep on exaggerating their own achievements and talents?) Do they make it clear that they feel empty, bored, depressed, or restless when attention and praise are not available
• Do they have a preoccupation with fantasising about extreme success, power, brilliance, beauty or good looks. In other words, an unrealistic and grandiose sense of self?
• Do they also believe that they are special and unique, a level above most people, and will only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions.
• Do they always display a need for excessive admiration and to always be at the centre of attention). Will they often monopolise conversations and feel grossly mistreated when ignored or not heard?
• Does this person regularly display a sense of entitlement, and expect to receive special attention or favourable treatment).
• Do they always try to take advantage of people around them, such as family members, friends and colleagues).
• Are they generally inconsiderate of the feelings, emotions and opinions of others, even their own families or those closest to them.
• Do they commonly experience envy of other people, or think that others are envious of them.
• Do they regularly exhibit arrogant and snobbish behaviour or attitudes to others.

Is this starting to feel familiar? Can you relate these points to anyone you know?

If the answer is YES, and it is someone you are in a relationship with, what can you do to minimise the possibility of yet more arrogant, controlling and frightening behaviour and start to gain some ground and respect for yourself?

You can start by setting boundaries, and communicating, very clearly, what you are and are not prepared to accept.  After all, it is important to ensure that they understand there is a consequence of violating the boundaries you have clearly set. But always be aware – the narcissist will test those boundaries, so do be prepared for that.

Don’t explain your choices, don’t back down, don’t argue and then give them the satisfaction of provoking an emotional reaction. Do not ever, allow them to control or indeed, manipulate your thoughts or actions. Narcissists love and thrive on, drama and provoking an anger state in the other person.

Never respond to anything they do or say, in any other way, than you are really quite disinterested in them and their ideas. This takes a great deal of their power away as their overriding desire is always to be admired and feted!

Narcissists commonly make false promises that they cannot possibly keep, and flood you with grandiose ideas and unrealistic sounding opportunities. The name for this is, ‘future faking,’ which is a manipulation technique, so insist on them accepting your boundaries. Do not react to their behaviour, or excessive demands for you to be/act/dress in a certain way. Showing a weak side, giving in to demands, gives them immense power. Standing firm, weakens them in so many ways, so here is your checklist and it is important to digest these and use them whenever you need to.

• Set boundaries
• Communicate what you will and won’t accept
• State the consequences of violating your boundaries
• Be prepared for the narcissist to test your boundaries
• Don’t back down
• Avoid reacting emotionally
• Don’t argue or explain
• Don’t give the narcissist the satisfaction of provoking an emotional reaction
• Respond in a neutral way until they get bored
• Insist on actions, not promises

Narcissists often make grandiose promises that they don’t follow through on their promises. This is known as “future faking” and is a manipulation tactic to be aware of.

If the narcissist is showing signs of abusive behaviour, you should seek help immediately. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233. Take care of yourself Don’t ignore warning signs and take care of your own mental health.

Another way to dispel a narcissist’s power is to use what is known as, The ‘Grey Rock Method,’ which is a technique for handling toxic or narcissistic behaviour

The ‘Grey Rock’ method is where you deliberately act as unresponsive or disengaged, so that an abusive person will lose both their power over, and ultimately, their interest in, you. Abusive people thrive on emotions and drama. When you act indifferently and don’t show your emotions, they may well lose interest and stop bothering you. This is known as “grey rocking.”

The most effective ways of using this technique is by being as neutral as possible. Keep your conversations short and never give too much information away about any subject. Limit what you chose to tell them to the minimum. If you have to answer a question, be as vague as possible and try to put your focus elsewhere, so you appear disengaged. Avoid eye contact wherever possible, to minimise any emotion you may unintentionally show. All these ploys are valuable ways to diminish the power of the narcissist!

Finally, the good news is, that there is life, love and new friendships and relationships to form, after a narcissist has controlled your life and taken away so much of your self-esteem. It is never too late to start again at any time or any age. We are blessed with one life and you owe it to yourself to be open to new friends, relationships and ideas for living, to allow you to continue your life from a perspective of open-mindedness, curiosity, energy, along with an eagerness to live your best life.

You can do it, you know how to do it. All you need is the desire to move forward and leave the past where it belongs, firmly behind you!